All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
