Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
