Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
