Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
21 Awkward Ways People Found Out Their Partner Was Into Outrageous Sex Acts
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.