I'm drive I can fine osifer
Ketchup is God's man juice
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
