dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
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you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.