Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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