She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
