The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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