You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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