in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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