I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
