all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
