I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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