I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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