i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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