you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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