..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
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Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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