Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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