dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
