I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Michael Bay diarrhea
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
