Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i wish my penis had a tongue
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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