wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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