Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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