I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
