if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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