I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Randomize
