I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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