I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
