the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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