You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
