You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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