people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
