I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
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I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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