Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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