And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
