I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Be still, my beating vagina.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
