I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
