Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
