I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't put those talents on a resume
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize