cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
