he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
