20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
