I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
