uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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