I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
