Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
