My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
