Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
