'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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