I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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