That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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