i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
