i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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