I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
there is glitter all over my balls
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
