so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are the jesus of drinking
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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