I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
be right there i have to get my cape
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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