On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
