I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
