I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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