I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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